I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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