so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
