I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
