Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
