Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
