And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
