I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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