The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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