My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
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