woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
