you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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