I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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