i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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