he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
