I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
