Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
