you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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