It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
