When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
