I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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