i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
