I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
