I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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