U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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