My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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