I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize