Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Randomize