Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Randomize
