...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
