you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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