Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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