You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
