Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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