In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
