Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
