Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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