Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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