Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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