I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
