the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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