okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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