i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
