so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
