I showed him my bush... on skype.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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