My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
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