A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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