I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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