if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
