my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
