I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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