Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
