Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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