im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize