She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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