No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
