plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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