i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
