I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
