He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize