I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
