I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Drunk is a universal language darling
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
